Joshua Jackson

Saturday Night Live – March 2000

Joshua Jackson: I’ve gotta say, it is great to be here in New York City! My name is Joshua Jackson, I play Pacey on the show “Dawson’s Creek”, in case you didn’t know.

Now, if you are a teenage girl, I’m fairly confident you’ve heard of me, and also, the musical guest, N*Sync. And, if you’re the parent of a teenage girl, you might vaguely know who I am. And, if you’re a man in his forties who doesn’t have kids but still volunteers to coach Little League.. you definitely know who I am, and, please, please, stop sending me letters.

Okay, but I really want to talk to people who aren’t familiar with my work or N*Sync, and I just want to say to them – we’re gonna do a great show, just give us a chance! Especially you hipsters in your mid-twenties, who think you’re too cool to watch tonight’s show. I mean, come on, get off your high horse, okay? I mean, think back, ten years ago, how excited you would have been if Jason Priestly and Color Me Badd would have been on the show – you loved it! And that’s what this is like!

And, if you’re in your thirties, think back fifteen years ago – it’s like if Kirk Cameron hosted and Frankie Goes To Hollywood was the musical guest. I know that doesn’t sound god, but, for some reason, in the mid-eighties, it was.

And, if you were a teenager when the show first started, think how you felt when you found out that John Travolta and ABBA were on the show, right? That sounds like a great show, but it never happened! That’s just how you remembered it. Because you always remember this stuff as better than it was. This is the show they actually had:

[ cut to fake footage of the 1978 season opening montage ]

Don Pardo V/O: Tonight’s musical guest: Foghat. And your host: Epstein, from “Welcome Back, Kotter”.

[ cut back to Joshua Jackson’s monologue ]

Joshua Jackson: And that was a great show! And that’s what I’m trying to tell you people! We have a great show tonight – N*Sync is here! So stick around, and we’ll be right back!

Wedding Singers

Groom…..Joshua Jackson
Wedding Singer #1…..Will Ferrell
Wedding Singer #2…..Horatio Sanz
Bride…..Molly Shannon

Groom: [hitting glass to propose toast] Excuse me, everyone, can I have your attention please. First of all, I would just like to take the time to sincerely thank everyone for coming today. But, before we go any further, I would like to give a toast to my beautiful, beautiful wife Denise. [applauding by guests] Honey, its hard to believe we only met three years ago.

Wedding Singer #1: [singing “I Just Died in Your Arms Tonight” by the Cutting Crew] I, I just died in your arms tonight…

Wedding Singer #2: [singing same song] …Must’ve been something you said.

Groom: Guys, guys, guys

Wedding Singer #1: Sorry, way too early

Wedding Singer #2: Our bad, sorry about that

Wedding Singer #1: Sorry, man

Groom: Anyway, Denise, when I look back at the three years we’ve known each other, I realize that I am the luckiest guy in the world.

Bride: Awww, sweetie

Groom: In fact–

Wedding Singer #1: [singing “I Just Died in Your Arms Tonight” by the Cutting Crew] I, I just died in your arms tonight…

Wedding Singer #2: [singing same song] …Must’ve been something you said.

Wedding Singer #1: I know, too early again, sorry.

Wedding Singer #2: A little trigger happy, we’ll get it.

Wedding Singer #1: We’ll get it.

Groom: As I was saying honey–

Wedding Singer #1: [singing “I Just Died in Your Arms Tonight” by the Cutting Crew] I, I just died in your arms tonight…

Wedding Singer #2: [singing same song] …Must’ve been something you said.

Groom: OH, C’MON! Did you listen to anything I said? I mean really, when to come in, any of that?

Bride: Honey, did you actually pick that song, because you know that’s really not our song.

Groom: No, of course I didn’t. Guys, you were supposed to play the Louie Armstrong song.

Wedding Singer #1: Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Wedding Singer #2: No way man, no way man.

Wedding Singer #1: Listen, you told us very clearly over the phone that you wanted I Just, in parentheses, Died in Your Arms Tonight, by the Cutting Crew, and I will take that to the GRAVE with me!

Groom: Honey, I didn’t pick that song. Why would I pick that song?

Wedding Singer #2: Well, it doesn’t matter what ya say, because I wrote it down on a piece of paper.

Wedding Singer #1: Yes, he did, which he is getting now. And you will be very sorry, he has it.

Wedding Singer #2: Here it is.

Wedding Singer #1: Very sorry, indeed.

Wedding Singer #2: Here we go.

Wedding Singer #1: Here we go.

Wedding Singer #2: [unfolds paper and reads:] “Peter Schenkel wedding”

Wedding Singer #1: I believe thats you, ok.

Wedding Singer #2: [continues reading:] “2:45 PM”, which is right about now, “please play Louie Armstrong song after I have completed my toast and cued you by saying, ‘Hit it guys’.”

Wedding Singer #1: We apologize, that’s not the way we like to do business. I’m sorry everyone had to see that.

Wedding Singer #2: Sorry ’bout that.

Groom: You know what, could you just play the Louie Armstrong song, and we’ll continue.

[awkward pause]

Wedding Singer #2: We don’t know it.

Wedding Singer #1: We just learned the Cutting Crew song.

Groom: Oh, You’ve got to be kidding me!

Wedding Singer #1: Hey, we messed up! We don’t know the song. Yelling at us is not gonna make us know it.

Wedding Singer #2: [angry] And let me let you in on a little somethin’. I have anger control problems! So, I suggest you grow up and learn some manners!

Groom: I paid you guys an extra 600 dollars to learn that song.

Wedding Singer #1: Fine, would it help if we gave the money back?

Groom: Yes, it would!

Wedding Singer #1: Cause we don’t have it!

Wedding Singer #2: Spent it, long time ago! We spent it a long, long time ago!

Wedding Singer #1: As soon as we got your check we blew it, hard!

Wedding Singer #2: Spent it, and blew it!

Groom: SHUT UP! YA KNOW, I DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT ANYMORE!

Wedding Singer #1: EVERYONE NEEDS TO SHUT UP!

Wedding Singer #2: SHUT UP!

Groom: YOU GUYS SHUT UP!

Wedding Singer #1: YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH!

Groom: YOU’VE RUINED MY WEDDING!

Bride: Honey, just sit down, and relax, and let them play the Cutting Crew song.

Wedding Singer #2: BEST IDEA I HEARD ALL DAY!

Groom: Fine, ok, yeah, fine. That’s great. You guys go crazy.

Wedding Singer #1: [singing “I Just Died in Your Arms Tonight” by the Cutting Crew] I, I just died in your arms tonight…

Wedding Singer #2: [singing same song] …Must’ve been something you said.

[awkward pause]

Wedding Singer #1: That’s it, that’s all we know.

Wedding Singer #2: Sorry, dude.

[Groom jumps over table to attack singers, as they escape.]

Moderator…..Will Ferrell
Karen Holsbrook…..Ana Gasteyer
Kevin Henchey…..Joshua Jackson
Professor Carl Lenz…..Tim Meadows

Moderator: Welcome to “Let’s Talk Books”. Homer, Dante, Shakespeare. The great canon of world literature. Is it still worth teaching on college campuses in this age of multiculturalism? Or is it time we open the curriculum to other kinds of literature? With me, here to discuss the changing politics behiund curriculum in our colleges – from Temple University, Karen Holsbrook; Kevin Henchey, a frequent contributor to The Nation; and joining us from Yale University, Professor Carl Lenz. Welcome, all of you. Um.. Professor Holsbrook, I want to start with you. Let’s say I have a child entering college next Fall. Will he be reading Shakespeare?

Karen Holsbrook: [ light laugh ] I certainly hope so. No one’s arguing that we throw out the great writers. But, clearly, it’s time that we open the door to other writers who are not often associated with the “great” works.

Moderator: Like, Zora Neil Herston, or Toni Morrison?

Karen Holsbrook: Mmm hmm. Also, Ida Paxton Freely..

Moderator: I’m sorry? I’m not familiar with her work..

Karen Holsbrook: The Yellow River? By I.P. Freely?

Moderator: Oh. Of course. I.P. Freely. Didn’t she also write Lights Out at the Boys School?

Kevin Henchey: [ interrupting ] No, no.. Lights Out at the Boys School was written by a husband-and-wife team – Holden & Sharon Dix.

Moderator: Ah. Holden and Sharon Dix. I always confuse them with the East German writer – Lotta Cox. But are these the kind of writers we’re talking about? Dix? Cox?

Karen Holsbrook: I’m glad you mentioned Lotta Cox. The Diary of a Hooker would make any new list of great nooks.

Kevin Henchey: Oh, I agree. But you might also include Through a Brown, Darkly, by Ilene Dover on that list. But something we really haven’t hit upon is the relunctance to include Asian literature in this argument. I don’t know how you could overlook one of the greats of the West – Stain on the Great Wall, by Hoo Flung Poo. Or, of course, there’s always How to Make $30, by Chu Sum Wang.

Moderator: Okay. Well, that really is the meat of the matter. Do we include Chu Sum Wang? Professor Lenz, I see you’re shaking your head.

Professor Carl Lenz: No, I mean, that’s just it. You can’t include everything. I mean, do we need Homosexuality in Irish Culture, by Michael Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzmichael? I don’t think so. Last week I asked my students what they wanted to read, and it was Shakespeare. Not The Tiger’s Revenge, by some obscure French author.

Kevin Henchey: [ helping ] Claude Balls.

Professor Carl Lenz: What?

Kevin Henchey: You’re referring to The Tiger’s Revenge, by Claude Balls. An excellent writer on par with Dick Gosinia, or the Greek writer, Harry Paratesties.

Karen Holsbrook: Paratesties is certainly on par with Balls or Cox. Absolutely. Now, I read a scathing indictment of drugs and professional sports, called Under the Bleachers, by Seymour Butz.

Kevin Henchey: Exactly. I think it’s really non-fiction like this that we need to be looking at. I taught a seminar at Duke University, where we read Richard Sawyer and Alan Bush’s fascinating study of voyeurism..

Karen Holsbrook: Mmm hmm. The Sawyer-Bush Report.

Kevin Henchey: Yes. Yes. And, from there, we segue-wayed into an interesting report on the Stonewall Riots, authored by Harrison Butz and Randall Dixon.

Moderator: Oh, I love Dixon-Butz.

Professor Carl Lenz: We all love Dixon-Butz. But does that mean we should grant them immediate status in the pantheon of great literature? I mean, what happens to Charles Dickins or Andre de Balsac?

Kevin Henchey: Oh, who cares? Really, truly? I prefer Dixon-Butz to Balsac. I mean, who wants Balsac shoved in your face?

Moderator: Actually, if truth be told, I can’t think of nothing I’d rather do on a cold, wintry night, than curl up with a leathery, musky old Balsac. And I think we can all agree on that. [ everyone agrees ] Well, that’s about all the time we have here on “Let’s Talk Books”. Join us next week, when we’ll be discussing Venereal Disease & its Effects”, by Maya P. Burns and Dick Hertz.

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